Last night in Lahore

I think I need to stop the blog right here, because I'm going to get in too much trouble for having just too much fun. Really missed Aisha today and wished I had brought her and C and uncle and Omar to Lahore. Especially tonight.

My darling Aftab has been the most generous host. I can't tell you all the wonderful things he's arranged for me while I've been here ( for fear that he might send Huma and Henna to a hotel.lol.) but I've been fed, kept warm (no small feat) and impressed.

But he's a real ULU KA PATHA!

Everytime a beggar walks by, he sends them to me. "Go to Azhar sahib. Its his car. I'm just his driver. He'll give you dollars,  he'll give you pounds!" Swarms of people just start following me around. Kamina.

Poverty here is less extreme than what I understand is the case in India but theres still lots.  But while I came here with a softer heart its become a bit hardened. I've grown annoyed with the manner in which people ask. It takes its toll. It comes across as very scripted and fake. If you give 5 they ask for 10. If you say no thank you to something they sell, they say give me money anyways and then just persist. I've also seen how no one goes hungry. There are langars which produce a lot of free food distributed in and around the city. No one sleeps on the streets. I'm sure its a more complicated problem and I've turned into a rich asshole Lahori, but its a tough one.

So it turns out an old university friend of mine, Saira, is a teacher in Lahore.  We've known each other 18 years! She's married to a former US Marine working on a special project in Islamabad so they both travel back and forth. She loves Lahore but with no gas, no heat,  no electricity even in her fancy Gulberg compound, she's happy to go home in six months. Ottawa Carleton alumni,  maybe time to set up a fund to Save Saira! Samad, Nadeem get on it!

Aisha and I last met Saira maybe 7 years ago, but she came across my blog and got in touch. So crazy!
So Aftab and I added her to our "Sad Singles away from our Spouses Support Group".

Tonight was just food place after food place. And you guys are still going to say I missed something.

But highlight was dinner. Cheema sahib is head chef/owner of Aandaz. A trained chef from the US, he bought a brothel with the most spectacular view and converted it into the best restaurant wonderfully staffed by people who ordinarily would never find honest work.  He's the most funny, gracious guy, our age,  and Aftab's dear friend. So he took us to the upper upper level and sat and had dinner with us. That's called a chefs table! He treated us to the most beautiful food, overlooking the most spectacular view of Badshai Mosque and the Lal Quila Fort and the Dera Sahib Gurdwara, while playing the most beautiful music. My whole life, this is what I dreamed Lahore would be like.

This is still the Lahore of Akbar, Jahangir and Shah Jahan.

Laanat hain gerrard street par.

I think I want to start writing this post in urdu as my English has gone bye bye.

I've learned lots of Lahori slang, most of which I cannot repeat. Adeel call me when I get back. Maza layenge!

But I can give one example.

When your friend is "german" that means he's solid, reliable, trustworthy.

When he's "china ka" he's cheap, fake, and breaks down just when you need him.

My primary experience so far is with Lahore so I'm unsure as to how to proceed. If I give a good review you'll say this is also in Karachi, Islamabad etc. If I give a negative comment you'll say "oh that's stupid Lahore". Lets "assume" my experiences exist throughout Pakistan.

It takes a few days to understand this place. The complexities are so absolutely immense. What first looks like chaos is really just a natural flow.

While Canadians are generally like ants marching to the queen. (See union station or dvp at 8am), Pakistani's are like schools and schools of fish. Each one making sure they are fed, just swimming around but never actually hitting each other. Big fish eat more, and there are plenty of bottom feeders. Oh and they shit everywhere!

I've started to become a little aggressive like the lahoris. It turns out it was always in my blood.  Haggling with waiters, yelling at motorcycles. My posh urdu speaking in laws are going to think I'm a gorilla.
Pakistanis complain a hell of a  lot. But you're at the office, in a meeting, power goes out. You want to drive home, roads closed. You want to cook dinner, your neighbourhoods don't have gas. You bitch and moan, no ones listening. Not even your donkey.

After a so so restaurant experience, I've decided to stop chasing the curry. That's the Pakistan of our mothers and grandmothers and they have fed us the best karahis and keemas and biryanis we will ever eat. Nothing will compare. Although my wifes biryani is rock solid

Modern Pakistan is about having everything from everywhere but with chaska and style. Trying to avoid it is no fun. In an evening, we can enjoy the western espressos in a posh club, followed by the most beautiful gorgeous masaladar kebabs and tikkas brought in a tray to your car window while you're parked next to porsches and beemers and benzes. Asli drive-thru. Then end the night in the rowdy H block with item numbers blasting and kashmiri chai. Chas aa gaya.

Masala fries, spicy kfc, keema pizza, that's what real desi khana is now. Go eat haleem in the retirement home. (did I mention my wifes haleem is award winning?)

I plan to return and bulldoze Lahore tikka house on Gerrard street.

Bloody chinese restaurant!

Getting to pak

Jeddah jeddah jeddah. I was so worried about getting sick in Pakistan, I didn't think to worry about the food at the Saudi airport.  Big mistake.

Two hours before my flight I ate a cheese sandwich and a cup of tea. And my whole stomach emptied itself before we even took off. The poor flight attendant had to scramble to find more vomit bags.

And how smart am I? I put all my medication in checked baggage.

Otherwise once I had puked my guts out, the rest of my flight was fine. It was an empty plane so I was able stretch out and sleep finally.   We had a two hour delay circling Islamabad due to fog, but I didn't mind. Got a solid 7 hours.

Scariest part of the flight was getting on. The whole flight was just full of serious Taliban looking dudes. Big ones too with hats beards the whole thing. I counted five ladies on the plane. Made nice with the mullahs though. Might as well be useful.

Arrival in Islamabad

Here I am. You all said it wouldn't happen. 

So I was advised to get a porter to help me out of the airport.  Omar gave me a thousand rupees and said this is what it will cost. Aisha advised me to never ask what things cost, just tell them what you will pay. So I, thinking I'm a pro, tell the porter, "I'll give you 500 rupees or piss off". He happily agrees. Turns out he would have done it for 200. Groan.

Airport is chaotic but cool. I found wifi and was able to check in with people no problem.   People have been overall friendly and nice.

First things first. We have to set up. Get the water, phone, medication,  money exchange.  Everything is close by. But you can spend your money quite quickly.

So I'm digging the initial vibe. Don't get me wrong, its f&*cking Looney Toony here. Loud, run down, chickens and ducks everwhere. And thats the city. What does the village look like?

And again, all dudes! I would hate to be a lady here. Though they may all be at home watching Humsafar.

And usual things happen, power goes down, heating gas is low, its a bit cold. But that's no big deal. Too bad the pakisani's don't have access to our luxuries.

Ok gotta run. Tea time. Off to Lahore tomorrow.

In the depths

I've endured 8 hours locked in a middle eastern airport terminal. I've got no jokes, I find nothing funny right now. I just want this plane to come and take me. Four more hours.

I've read, shopped, watched movies, charged all my gadgets, ate, slept, even prayed and still. Time stands still. I was hoping I could sleep, but a half hour nap leaves me refreshed. I don't want to be refreshed, I want to sleep through it.

Tom Hanks made being stuck in terminal look easy. But he was in New York, there was a Burger King, and that was all bullshit.

You may be thinking, "well, maybe he saved a lot of money?" Nope. Plans changed last minute and I just had to get there. It's been a hard journey.

One thing is for sure, I better get a visa so I can visit Riyadh on the return trip. If not, I'm staying in Pakistan.

I get why people come to the West and don't go back. Give them a break. After making the trip, it's easier to make a new home someplace then make the long voyage home! And they come on boats!

Hanging around the airport.

In Jeddah, safe and sound, and now stuck. There's no way to get a transit visa for Saudi at the airport, so here I am, in the terminal for 12 hours. It's just started, and I'm miserable. From now on direct flights, don't care what it costs. Luckily Aisha and Cayden aren't here, they would be beside themselves.

There's a single coffee shop and sandwich bar. At least the airline gave me a voucher for dinner. Small victories right?

I tried to be classy and confident and walk into the first class lounge. Turns out I'm not that classy!

Speaking of classy, I have discovered the squatter! It's actually cleaner here to use because of the whole Muslim shower system. Regular toilets get really gross. And of course. No toilet paper! I left all mine in checked baggage. But I'm not complaining. I actually travel well, and am adjusting. Have actually made friends with a couple of desi guys. Good to know Urdu.

So if someone, anyone is free. Skype me or email me. I'm so fricking bored.

F*%#king JFK

So Air Canada flight to New York, I've got a nexus card, quick flight, 3 hours in New York, plenty of time to change terminals. Easy peasy right?

Not for me!

I get to JFK, New York, AMERICA, and the stupid Airtrain between terminals isn't working! They don't tell you it's not working. It just never comes. No attendants, no information booth. Nothing!

Now a tiny little bus comes by every 30 minutes to take ppl around, never stopping at the same place twice. Islamabadi's, you've got nothing on Americans. When the bus finally arrives, already full, these guys ATTACK it. Me with my "aunty suitcase" don't stand a chance. I push over an old lady to get on one. Only got two hours to my flight, I gotta do what I gotta do. We make it one stop, when the driver announces he is now travelling to Jamaica, Queens all of a sudden. 1 hour and I've made it ONE stop. stuck at terminal 8.

I finally find an illegal Indian taxi cabbie who I coax into driving me to terminal one. Thank god I know hindi. So 30 dollars later I make it to my terminal with little time to spare. ( Aisha you would have done this an hour ago, but you'd be so proud)

Saudi Airlines itself is pretty decent to Jeddah. Boarding is easy. But one funny thing. This poor innocent white guy had booked himself a nice little exit row. But upon reaching his seat, the attendant informs him he is now sitting in some random row. I think he's still arguing about it now.

I seem to be seated near the "prayer area" at the back of the aircraft. There's a good size area open, where u can do sajda. At least 8 could pray here. I'm probably not gonna, but just sayin. Actually, I probably will. Will kill some time.

SHIT, new update. White guy is reading namaaz. He's one of them....I mean US

Fun fact. Most airline movies obviously are family friendly having cut out sex and swearing. Arab friendly goes further. Small amounts of cleavage are blurred out totally drawing your attention to it. Hindi songs are out. And any MENTION of an alcohol is removed. Guy sits at a bar, orders a ____. Showing ppl drink is fine.

Dude in front of me is watching a bootleg of "This is 40" on his iPad which has a little nudity in it. So he creates this fort with blankets between his seats so no one can see.

Food on this airline was pretty decent. Chicken and saffron with roast potatoes. I even landed a second entree of tilapia and rice. Half way through the flight, they set up a buffet station with all you can eat sandwiches and fruit. No too shabby.

On board and off to Jeddah.

Alhumdilillah!

My journey begins.

So I'm off on my first flight to new york. No complaining today.  I'm very excited to be off on this adventure.

Just a little sad to be alone. I don't like leaving my family even for a day and watching cayden cry for me as I left was tough. Ill see them in 5 days and at least I get peace and quiet on the plane.

You know my friend Jamal asked "so azhar bhai is going to Pakistan for the first time? What's the big deal?" His mom responds"he's 37"

"Oh, that's different!"

I think that's the point. I'm going as an adult so have no childhood memories to compare to. No idea of what to expect other than the exaggerated warnings from my family and friends. I hope for the best and expect the worse!

All of you who know me know that I am entrenched in and appreciative of Pakistani. I sing qawalli and play cricket and wear kurtas and cook kebabs. And Pakistani women are beautiful. I even married one! Maybe even two?

And more importantly Aisha and I are going to meet our great new sister in law Aymen, and to help guide her and omar on this first leg of their own long journey.

But I'm not going im blind. The culture shock will be huge, the dangers apparent and the memories unforgettable. I'll tell you how I really see it.

So how does my wife say goodbye?

"Azhar, let me look at you, hopefully not for the last time. And if you do end up in trouble or kidnapped or in jail. I'll be sure to remember what you always tell me."

"IT'S NOT WORTH THE MONEY"

Gods new plan

Astaghfarulah

So I must have really pissed God off with my earlier rants.

And as punishment he threw some unforeseen circumstances my way cancelling my partying in London and Dubai and instead has called for me directly to him in Saudi Arabia.

Poor Omar and I spent the entire day on the phone rerouting my trip. Stupid call centres are full of idiots, 45 minute hold times, inability to process credit cards. One attendant actually spent 20 minutes with a pen and paper doing basic math to see how much money I lost. I thought Indians were smart? I'm so poor.

And what's worse, I fly back through New York and will enjoy going through US customs with a passport full of urdu and Arabic.  That inappropriate rape comment from before.  Oh that's definitely happening but now a white guy will do it.

So 30 hours to get to Islamabad and 40 hours to get back. I'm going to be so grumpy!

OBTAINING THE VISA

Seriously Pakistan? Seriously?

You’re making ME jump through hoops to get a travel Visa? Seriously? Into a country where you know who was last seen vacationing before they took him on a cruise? Did he have to answer all of these damn questions?

So my father is not "technically" Pakistani, you’re afraid I don’t have the adequate family history to visit? What part of Azhar Mahmood Ahmad Janjua sounds like a white man’s name?  Do you think a single person in Canada has ever been able pronounce it?

Why are  you so worried about letting me in. Because I’m born in Toronto? Yeah, I’m sure there is an Orange Alert for Canadians who are eager to infiltrate Pakistan and cause trouble. What do you think I’ll do, pour maple syrup on the roads with my hockey stick? Only Quebecers do that...duh!

And what’s with all the questions about my education? Are you worried I spent my formative years in a Sunday School learning about crosses and wine and wafers and swine! I never should have put up that damn Christmas tree! Damn you Santa!

And all the work questions? Yes, I have a job. That’s how I paid for this ticket.  You really want to ensure that I have a job to come back to?  Well we wouldn’t want Canadians to just stay and take away jobs from hard working Pakistani’s. I always wanted to be something called a Chaprasi on something called Mall Road.

Anyways, well, thank you for the Visa, eventually. I’m glad to have finally proven that I am brown, am married to a brown girl, and have brown relatives. Also, I won’t stay long.

Also, thanks for not making me do the interview…..this could have been a whole different post.

So I learned a few things yesterday. First, there is a consensus that I have gotten pretty old and grumpy. Secondly, 50% of you enjoy reading my witty controversial fb rants, while the other half and my missus, consider me an idiot! Well, this idiot is going abroad!

My deep fondness and love for my brother in law Omar, results in me doing the thing I thought I would never do. Go to the place where everyone is trying to escape. The Pakistan!!

Now a lot of people have tried to scare me since I booked my ticket. I will get sick, I probably will get robbed, I definitely will get raped, and hopefully will not get kidnapped! So I plan to relay my insecurities and experiences in regular postings to give you a feel (and smell) of my adventures.

Also I have been well advised, it might be a good idea to take a photo of myself each day, and let you all know where I am, so that once the postings stop, you will all get on the phone to Foreign Affairs and send a Canadian Navy Seal Team to find me. (I think the Canadian’s might send actual Seals!) All of you in Ottawa and Toronto better be useful to me. And no, 50 “likes” is not going to get me out of a hole in the Punjab. Either pony up some cash, or send Jack Bauer!

Now, I’m going to “try” to be funny, and will grossly exaggerate! So please don’t take offense! This is my shot at satire! Those of you with brown skin may get offended at the language and comments about dodgy food, bodily functions, and me shitting in a tea pot (or hey, you may reminisce about your childhood).  White people, maybe look away.

So if you don’t want your newsfeed filled with my ranting and raving lunacy, pls unfriend me now, I won’t be offended. But if you enjoy my clownish self-absorbed self deprecating interpretation of events, please “like” this post, and let’s rock and roll sohniye!